THIS BLOG IS POLITICAL IN NATURE!: November 2008

Doodling on a public forum can be a fun and rewarding experience for today's artist on the go. But if the very concept of Shi-Painter plus captive audience gives your Tiny Elvis stage fright, here are some tips and tricks that are sure to make any foray into the world of cyber-sketching seem as effortless as tumbling face-first down a flight of stairs. A flight of very creative stairs!

Lesson One: Picking Your Poison

Whoever said that variety is the spice of life must have successfully constructed a time machine capable of delivering a man safely into the future, wherein he most certainly happened upon the internet! I'm not being sexist. I can only assume that women would have been actively discouraged from time travel by The Powers That Were in 1816, which is the year I have decided the "variety spice" phrase originated.

While an Oekaki applet might offer enough features to create a decidedly more professional-looking image, some artists simply find themselves comfortable with a medium comparable to Microsoft Paint. It is a matter of personal preference. A standard Shi-Painter seems inherently well-suited when sketching green-haired naked women...

...and yet, a very basic Paintbrush application can produce remarkably vivid imagery. Such as this sociopolitical piece on why pop culture makes me want to drink household bleach.

Lesson Two: Now What?

When faced with an empty canvas, most of us are immediately bombarded with an influx of ideas, concepts, and voices which tell us to burn things. Often, too many ideas can cause a block. It is important to consider your subject carefully, but also acknowledge the overall message you are attempting to convey. Combining your ideas can sometimes communicate the intended theme much more effectively, and lend an artistic omnipotence to your piece.

On this day, I endeavored to laud the intriguing phenomenon of Amish rumspringa. Also, I wanted to draw Cyclopians. The subsequent union speaks for itself.

Which brings us to...

Lesson Three: Huh? What?

Face it, chumpy. Not everybody is going to "get" your vision. This is a good thing. In fact, this is the best thing that ever happened to you, because it serves to separate the men from the boys. The Us and the Them. The Mortal Kombat and the DC Universe.

When I drew the following picture of Leechman...

...I was overwhelmed by the number of naysayers who didn't understand what it was doing on a website about humorous cakes. But I knew what it was doing there. To thine own self be true, children.

Lesson Four: Controversy-Your Dear, Dear Friend

"The times, they are a-changin'." crooned anthropomorphic hedgehog-turned-folk singer Bob Dylan. And that line was certainly prophetic. Time, as Dylan knew it, did a-change. And in this brave new world, controversy is the hot apple filling inside a metaphorical pie of some description. I don't know. I really didn't think this analogy out. But it's the essence of the pie. Which is life.

You may have noticed my affinity for language which may be inappropriate for some viewers, pets, and surprisingly pious robots. While it is not my primary artistic intention to shock and awe the masses, it does serve to excite me sexually. Your gasps. The way you furiously tap "clear internet history" the second you hear the skip-step thuds of your plump, grizzled wife limping up the staircase. She doesn't understand you. She doesn't know what you need. But I do.

Be warned, this form of expression is not for the faint of heart. Terms and conditions will be violated. Images will be removed. And IP addresses will be banned. But when properly harnessed, controversy can enlighten, inspire, and open doors of perception otherwise unmoved by milder imagery.

"A Critical View of American Capitalism in the Postmodern World"

"Bert Takes Bath With Ernie"

Lesson Five: You Say Potato-I Say Fuck You

In the end, we must each trust our own creative vision implicitly when it comes to what does or what does not imply art. Tap the soul--as you would a keg of beer or an ass--and actualize a masterpiece of your own design. And when that masterpiece is inevitably taken down, draw something else. Perhaps very similar to the original. With larger, more pronounced labia. Don't forget to sign your name. Have a nice life.