THIS BLOG IS POLITICAL IN NATURE!

"ONLY three days?!?" - K-Dizzle

2009-12-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

"Ping Pong Viet Cong" earned me a three-day suspension from EA Games. Check it...

Dear Tulip,

Your The Sims 3 account has been suspended from The Sims 3 website service for 3 days and the content removed due to the following violation of the Rules of Conduct.

Violation: Use of inappropriate Content(Nudity)
Terms of Service:
Transmit or facilitate distribution of Content that is harmful, abusive, racially or ethnically offensive, vulgar, sexually explicit, defamatory, infringing, invasive of personal privacy or publicity rights, or in a reasonable person's view, objectionable. Hate speech is not tolerated

Content or Asset:Ping Pong Viet Cong

The Terms of Service clearly define that this behavior and activity is not permitted on the The Sims 3 Exchange service. Electronic Arts has stated their goals of building a strong community that offers a comfortable atmosphere for all of our players. This sort of behavior does not have a place in our communities, and simply will not be tolerated. Please understand that any additional violations could and likely will lead to the immediate termination of this The Sims 3 account.

If you feel that this suspension is unwarranted, or if you wish to dispute the claims of this email, we ask that you please visit the Account Administration site at http://support.ea.com and use the “contact us” option so that they can review any possible discrepancies of this event.

Sincerely,

Electronic Arts
Customer Support

Twenty-four lucky players managed to grab Ping Pong before The Man could shut us down.

That's right, EA. I will challenge everything.

Forget Snorway.

2009-12-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

It's time for this. OK, it is always time for this.

Rumors of my death have been blah, blah, blah...

2009-11-22T19:05:00.000-08:00

House-hunting. Blog-neglecting. (Fallout 3-playing.)

Menu-planning. (The Indians call it maize.)

I have no comics, so let's do a clip show. Of this thing I made. Last year.

(Pssssst--ditch the can-shaped cranberries and have lingonberry jam with your turkey. You're welcome, America.)

Mysticisms!

2009-10-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

Tulip Sniper is an anagram for...

inert pupils
pile turnips
lupine strip
inept I slurp, which inevitably leads to...
penis lip rut
priest lupin
and without a doubt my favorite, plies tip urn.

Because I will ballet the fuck out of your Aunt Maltilda's ashes, chump.

My dog typed this.

2009-09-20T15:16:00.001-07:00

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Av ko gudar och damer.

2009-09-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

Detta är en Lumsk sådan dag. Alla Norska och mystisk. "Vi är alla bara brickor i ett fruktansvärt vårdnadstvist mellan liv och död." säger Norrmännen. Eller de skulle. Om de talade Svensk.

Titta på följande arbeten, mina barn, och förtvivlan!

Ordet i din kollektiva mödrar.

Double Penetration.

2009-08-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Pokémon: DP Battle Dimension.

DP.

Ahem...

Which apparently follows the wacky, Three's Company-esque hijinks of two strapping young school boys and their prepubescent child-whore. Oh, and Pokémons. Pokémi? Fuck it, here's a picture...

"Ash, you may have to tag in Squirtle--your wiener is so lithe and feminine."

Secrets!

2009-08-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

I worry that there will be a super-flu-induced, zombie apocalypse. Or, quite inversely, that there shall be a zombie apocalypse and I will not live to see it--thus making my years upon years of germ phobia and constant worry for naught.

The "How To of the Day" is "How to build an adjustable agility seesaw for dogs". True story.

But this isn't about any of that:

Conspiracy!

2009-07-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

antacid - A substance, such as magnesia or sodium bicarbonate, that neutralizes acid.

ant acid - A poisonous, often projectile secretion of an ant which causes muscular convulsions and eventually slow, painful death via asphyxia.

Either way, no more tummy aches. Win/win.

Celebrity Gossip!

2009-07-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

Charlie Sheen is like the industrious ant, squirreling away picnic crumbs, delicate drops of morning dew, and whores all summer long, whilst you lazy grasshoppers languish in your hammocks, sip hard lemonade, and fail to appear in underpants commercials with America's sweetheart, Michael Jordan.

So I made this...

CafePress that shit, somebody with more time than I.
$$$

Happy breakfast!

2009-05-24T19:01:00.001-07:00

Cherry Chupacobbler, chumps. Pre-bake. I am the Princess of Pastry!

New socks!

2009-04-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go ice-hiking. Which is a clever euphemism for ice-hiking.

Now watch this.

Touché, Snorway. Touché.

Good to know.

2009-04-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

Created by Recipe Star

In other news, there is no other news.

Mommy, yes!

2009-03-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

TK has a Twitter account.

--------------------------------------------------->

Tune in. I'll probably say "cunt" a lot.

TK Quote O' the Day.

2009-03-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

"See? I infiltrated your mind with my soup lust."

Happy Smarch!

2009-03-05T14:47:00.000-08:00

DMV tomorrow. Because I long to drive freely and in a manner suggestive of the law, pigdogs. Wait. No. I just need a valid picture ID so I can vote...in favor of me...buying booze. For America. 9/11.

Until then, try not to not laugh at this!

Ack.

2009-02-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

My computer, she is broken. So it would require a substantial effort on my behalf to cook up the comics you so desperately crave. And by substantial, I mean some. I would do anything for love, my Blogspot compatriots. But I won't do that.

Y'know, Blondie wrote an unusual amount of songs about calling people on the phone. Me, I hate the phone. But I can certainly respect Deborah Harry's right to artistic expression.

We have a new alarm clock. It can project the time onto the ceiling. Witchcraft!

No punchline.

2009-01-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

But you should know that signs are like, 9/10 of the law. Or something.

On an unrelated note, and they always are, I am going to sell Grandma TK's Cherry Chupacobbler via internet and swim around in a big room full of money like Scrooge McDuck.

TK's Best Ten of 2008.

2009-01-02T14:53:00.000-08:00

In no particular order...

1. Skin tape.

2. Xbox 360, and subsequently Silent Hill: Homecoming.

3. Adam D's sideburns.

4. Philly cheese steak sandwiches made with chicken a la Jersey Mike's.

5. The Goddamn Misadventures of Motherfucking Flapjack.

6. Quarantine, Blindness, and Let the Right One In.

7. CollegeHumor.com

8. The Acacia Strain's Continent album.

9. Homemade jello shots.

10. USB-powered foot warmers.

This one is mostly about Hanukkah.

2008-12-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

I found myself explaining who Peewee Herman is to someone who legitimately did not know about Peewee Herman. Which is impossible to do without yelling, "You know! Peewee Herman!" angrily.

Hey, I ruined some comics for you. You sexy mongrels.

Ho ho ho, bitches.

2008-12-08T15:41:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Tulip K. Sniper Christmas Spectacular! I'm your hostess. I mean, immortal slave.

The following game was intended to be an homage to the great Daniel O'Brien. Of Cracked fame. And beyond. But you can play too. Plebians.

Dracula Vs. Han...
Added: 20 May 2008
By: tulipsniper

This one merely tells a story that needs to be told. Historically accurate. Babies = petrol.

Tupac's Califor...
Added: 20 May 2008
By: tulipsniper

Did you know...?

2008-12-01T14:26:00.000-08:00

December is also the name of a band I almost sorta liked this one time. I think they all died in a terrible fire.

Also, come to Lapland. Is Finnish Santa Claus German? Nobody knows.

Love!

2008-11-26T22:08:00.000-08:00

I made something special for America. And then this happened:

It moves my insides like sunshine jelly!

2008-11-23T17:48:00.000-08:00

I ate octopus and fish roe last night. But I was thinking of fugu.

But, Tulip--aren't you always thinking of fugu?

Yes, constantly. Here. I ruined the following comic strip to commemorate your sister's abortion.

All of the characters I believed to have appeared on Good Times were actually from What's Happening!!. In a related story, I'm drunk.

Tetanus shots and bail money.

2008-11-12T18:28:00.000-08:00

In honor of my mother's birthday, I shall now present a "nice" cartoon with a happy ending.

I love ya, Mom. You're like family to me.

Rrrrrrround Four!

2008-11-11T17:01:00.000-08:00

Unrelated, I'm having too much fun with this.

And this.

(Warning: Insanity Box may cause ~~seizures~~ awesomeness.)

Don't ask him about his business.

2008-11-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

Mad Drama.

2008-11-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

REFERENCES_______________

Auntie Litter.

Adam D.

Your Mama.

The internet, she is working!

2008-11-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

Praise be to my betrothed--who braved heating ducts and wooden beams in order to rewire this little Frankenstein operation known as TK HQ. Seriously. Praise him. He really likes draft beer.

Otherwise, I would be unable to bring you things like this...

...which not even I fully understand. Progress!

Oekaki, An Essay

2008-11-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

Doodling on a public forum can be a fun and rewarding experience for today's artist on the go. But if the very concept of Shi-Painter plus captive audience gives your Tiny Elvis stage fright, here are some tips and tricks that are sure to make any foray into the world of cyber-sketching seem as effortless as tumbling face-first down a flight of stairs. A flight of very creative stairs!

Lesson One: Picking Your Poison

Whoever said that variety is the spice of life must have successfully constructed a time machine capable of delivering a man safely into the future, wherein he most certainly happened upon the internet! I'm not being sexist. I can only assume that women would have been actively discouraged from time travel by The Powers That Were in 1816, which is the year I have decided the "variety spice" phrase originated.

While an Oekaki applet might offer enough features to create a decidedly more professional-looking image, some artists simply find themselves comfortable with a medium comparable to Microsoft Paint. It is a matter of personal preference. A standard Shi-Painter seems inherently well-suited when sketching green-haired naked women...

...and yet, a very basic Paintbrush application can produce remarkably vivid imagery. Such as this sociopolitical piece on why pop culture makes me want to drink household bleach.

Lesson Two: Now What?

When faced with an empty canvas, most of us are immediately bombarded with an influx of ideas, concepts, and voices which tell us to burn things. Often, too many ideas can cause a block. It is important to consider your subject carefully, but also acknowledge the overall message you are attempting to convey. Combining your ideas can sometimes communicate the intended theme much more effectively, and lend an artistic omnipotence to your piece.

On this day, I endeavored to laud the intriguing phenomenon of Amish rumspringa. Also, I wanted to draw Cyclopians. The subsequent union speaks for itself.

Which brings us to...

Lesson Three: Huh? What?

Face it, chumpy. Not everybody is going to "get" your vision. This is a good thing. In fact, this is the best thing that ever happened to you, because it serves to separate the men from the boys. The Us and the Them. The Mortal Kombat and the DC Universe.

When I drew the following picture of Leechman...

...I was overwhelmed by the number of naysayers who didn't understand what it was doing on a website about humorous cakes. But I knew what it was doing there. To thine own self be true, children.

Lesson Four: Controversy-Your Dear, Dear Friend

"The times, they are a-changin'." crooned anthropomorphic hedgehog-turned-folk singer Bob Dylan. And that line was certainly prophetic. Time, as Dylan knew it, did a-change. And in this brave new world, controversy is the hot apple filling inside a metaphorical pie of some description. I don't know. I really didn't think this analogy out. But it's the essence of the pie. Which is life.

You may have noticed my affinity for language which may be inappropriate for some viewers, pets, and surprisingly pious robots. While it is not my primary artistic intention to shock and awe the masses, it does serve to excite me sexually. Your gasps. The way you furiously tap "clear internet history" the second you hear the skip-step thuds of your plump, grizzled wife limping up the staircase. She doesn't understand you. She doesn't know what you need. But I do.

Be warned, this form of expression is not for the faint of heart. Terms and conditions will be violated. Images will be removed. And IP addresses will be banned. But when properly harnessed, controversy can enlighten, inspire, and open doors of perception otherwise unmoved by milder imagery.

"A Critical View of American Capitalism in the Postmodern World"

"Bert Takes Bath With Ernie"

Lesson Five: You Say Potato-I Say Fuck You

In the end, we must each trust our own creative vision implicitly when it comes to what does or what does not imply art. Tap the soul--as you would a keg of beer or an ass--and actualize a masterpiece of your own design. And when that masterpiece is inevitably taken down, draw something else. Perhaps very similar to the original. With larger, more pronounced labia. Don't forget to sign your name. Have a nice life.

Room for two more.

2008-11-02T21:54:00.001-08:00

Enjoy the softer side of Tulip--you sweaty, mouth-breathing whores.

Love is...

2008-11-02T20:43:00.001-08:00

A bit of a tribute to my Cubby.

HIM: Mas! Also I know "con queso".

ME: And "carne asada".

HIM: Yeah sometimes. But I forget that I know that. "Con queso" I always know. Like seven days a week. At least if I ever got lost in Mexico, I wouldn't go hungry or thirsty. Mas tequila con queso! Gracias señor!

Halloween!

2008-10-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

First off--beat this, mortals.

Friday the 13th

Score: 100% (13 out of 13)

Secondly--

I hate pop culture so much.

2008-10-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

No, no. Your exasperated "What?" is thanks enough.

Game Night!

2008-10-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

Cubby, Crown Prince of Denmark and I took part in the most X-treme, balls-to-the-wall chess game ever, utilizing our queens within the first two minutes. Which ended in perhaps the utmost erotic stalemate of all time.

Later, he managed to outwit an ill-tempered Frenchman at Global Monopoly.

Frenchie: Trade me Rome!

me: I doubt that's going to happen. He really likes Caligula.

him: You have two of three oranges and that would open possibilities of you moving into the territory, and gaining more customers is bad for my economic growth.

Customers. Epic.

Now check this out while I judge you for doing that thing you think nobody knows about.

Happy 22nd Post to Me, Suckers!

2008-10-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

Jonathan has the flu.

2008-10-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

Some say laughter is the best medicine. Others, actual medicine. Whatever. I didn't come here to argue with scientists.

An Illustrated Peek at Current Goings-On.

2008-10-09T15:02:00.000-07:00

For the record, Icelanders are adorable. Off the record, Anni-Frid Lyngstad is Norwegian. But would you have known that this was ABBA without her?

Feel the beat from the tambourine, bitches.

Inspired by true events!

2008-10-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the jungle, baby.

2008-09-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

I was planning to murder each and every last one of you in your sleep, but then I ate some chocolate. Now it's a Two for Tuesday! Enjoy!

The Magicagasmical Adventures of Ben Franklin and Some Sort of Hip Hop Dog.

2008-09-30T14:28:00.001-07:00

Mad drama, son.

Hardcore Zen.

2008-09-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, matching bed linens are an integral part of my existence. Of any existence. I will ruin this house with my anger.

Years ago, I attempted to purchase a starving Appalachian-American child from an infomercial I had seen at 3 AM. It never came. In a related story, no one has RSVP'd to my baby shower for my in transit box of Shamwows.

Where's that thing I made better? Oh. Right.

I am a media watchdog.

2008-09-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

I like UnitShifter's logo because it reminds me of a panda. That link is not safe for work, by the way. Let's talk about fucking space babies...

PANDA FUN FACT: Many people assume that panda bears are mammals. They are, in fact, a form of wingless bird.

A Formal Review.

2008-09-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

Mirrors is a documentary filmed in real time about Ben Carson, a man who happens upon a banshee of some description whilst attempting to solve a murder in precisely twenty-four American hours. The banshee, played by Broadway krump dancer Mary Beth Peil, confesses to the murder by burning a series of churches and daycare centers in the shape of a large arrow pointing to her house, ironically killing hundreds of additional victims. Ben falls in love with the banshee, and is eventually eaten.

I have no idea why this movie is entitled Mirrors; they are not only insignificant to the plot, but seemed to be absent from the film entirely.

Runtime, 110 minutes. Or 747.5 Swedish Kronor.

Favorite Movie Moment...

At one point, my strapping young date expressed confusion over the death of a minor character. "Wait. Didn't they just say the guy was killed in a subway in Holland?" he asked, his ingenuous eyes daring me to sex him up with every blink.

"No, baby." I explained seductively. "HARLEM."

"Oh."

- the movie

- the chocolate-covered espresso beans

- my date

For Jonathan's mom.

2008-09-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

This Cartoon is Political in Nature.

2008-09-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

Somebody once told me that having sex with a woman is like fucking a sack of Jell-O jigglers. I wonder if that person is still working for Bill Cosby.

Hey, let's look at something else I made...

Pin the tail on my inner donkey.

2008-09-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm bummed. The photograph I have been looking for is M.I.A. and I can't stop watching Shaye long enough to care.

UPDATE: I just took a bubble bath that was more bubble than bath.

You know you're a Swede when...

2008-09-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

- You think you understand Danish.

- The Danish think you understand Danish.

- Ultimately, you realize that you really don't understand Danish.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the song stylings of Nik & Jay.

Lazy...like a fox!

2008-08-30T22:29:00.001-07:00

Matthew made this one. Godspeed, kitty.

Kirk Cameron works the jerk-booths in hell.

2008-08-25T02:06:00.000-07:00

These aren't funny ha-ha.

2008-08-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

Unless you're me. Or Matthew. In which case, they are hilarious.

He's a fish out of water in a world he doesn't understand.

2008-08-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

Amazing Facts!

2008-08-23T11:25:00.001-07:00

Old people are miserable.

2008-08-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

A TK Original.

2008-08-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

From my twisted little brain to yours.

I made your comic strip better. You're welcome.

2008-08-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

I can't fucking figure out Facebook.

2008-08-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

This is my can't-fucking-figure-out-Facebook face.

You win this round, Facebook. This round...